I have decided I will tell them the truth about putting her down. They need to know. I will have the day to cry and can deal with their tears in the evening.
I wish I had been able to take Xena to the beach. We never got to go. I think she would have loved running on the sand.
She will never know what spring feels like either.
I'm going to cry again. She brought a lot of joy and laughter into our lives and although everything in me is trying to find ways to avoid tomorrow, it has to be done.
***
Next morning...
I cried almost all of yesterday. I don't usually cry... not much of a crier at all. Woke up with swollen eyes. Xena hadn't eaten her dinner and isn't touching her breakfast either.
What confuses me is that she still has enough energy to look bright and happy to see us. She is behaving very normally although her condition is clearly not good.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I rang another vet (where she had her emergency treatment) and they suggested she may have food allergies. That this bee sting allergy could have made her allergic to everything and she could try a 6 week elimination diet and use only hypoallergenic dog food and added 'but if you can't be bothered.' !!! God that pissed me off. Its not about not being bothered. I am watching my dog deteriorate in front of my eyes and I don't want to mess about for the next 6 weeks while she's in pain.At the same time I wish I didn't have to put her down. I looked up allergies and the food elimination diet can take up to a year to figure it all out. It is also less effective than the shots she has already had.
If the shots she has already had are ineffective then it is just masking the problem.
Allergies are a symptom of internal problems like low immunity / hormonal problems the dog may already have. Dogs with severe allergies (like Xena) usually go through these sets of different vet tests/ treatments etc.... but still are suffering until by 2 years old they are in so much suffering they are put to sleep.
I don't want my dog used as a guinea pig, drugged up and having to endure needles and discomfort only to make my vet richer and to have to put her to sleep anyway.
I also wouldn't give my dog up to a vet because I wouldn't want her ending up in some animal testing lab. No that that was on offer, I'm just saying.
I just want to do what is right for my dog. The whole moralistic, ethical and humane debate is doing my head in. If there was any way for her to live a healthy life free from pain and drugs I would take it.
I wouldn't dump her on a shelter either. I think shelter staff have enough to deal with with the unloved dogs of the world, let alone taking my loved one. It's not fair on staff or their very limited budget and it may take another dogs space that really needs it. Xena is also a fearful dog. She has improved but I'm sure she would revert into her shell and be terrified in an animal shelter.Oh anyways. It's morning and I'm still not at the vet yet. Once again I'm putting it off and trying to contact some more people to get more opinions to see if I've missed anything. I don't want to put her to sleep only to find out later it wasn't necessary.
Midday...
Xena has still not eaten her breakfast. She is sleeping a lot and when she is up is a bit listless. I told my eldest daughter that we will probably have to put her down. She took that quite well. She wants to be there when it happens. I'm not sure about that. Right now she's is sitting outside with Xena, hand feeding. The dog is nibbling a little and wanting lots of cuddles and petting. Xena has always been an affectionate dog but the last couple of days even more so, when her new Mr Jeckle personality doesn't pop up and start growling.
Xena even lept up and mouthed my eldest on the cheek yesterday but there was no growling. My daughter was hurt and thought she was bleeding but wasn't.
She got me in the evening too, seemed like she wanted a hug then mouthed at my face. It hurt but didn't break the skin. As it didn't seem to be meant to be aggressive- just naughty mouthing which she hasn't done before we weren't to concerned.
But she snapped at my youngest last night which was accompanied by a terrible growl and I raced in and shoved her away from my daughter's skull/ hair... guess what, my daughter still wanted to play with Xena! These a brief Mr Jeckle turns and go as quickly as they came. Of course I'm not letting the younger one go near her at all now.
The only reason I am letting my older daughter is because she has always loved animals and has been waiting a couple of years to be old enough to volunteer work with them. I think she needs to take it as it comes. She has a very calm and quiet nature and most animals like her. If I told her not to it would be like saying I didn't believe she was capable of caring for a sick animal and really I think she is. I think she is exactly the type of caring person and animal would want around it when its feeling unwell.Xena is sneezing a lot today. We also noticed her doggy odour is really strong to where you can smell it a meter away from her. She usually doesn't have a strong smell. Her lumps, which we now know are hives, are inceasing in number as well.
My son pulled me up about 30 minutes ago... "Mum, go take the dog and have it put down. Your just putting it off."
5pm Kisses and a Hand Shake
Do dogs know when to say goodbye? I now believe they do. I went outside and washed Xena. Her skin is loose on her belly. No matter how much I wish she would get better, she isn't.
The girls played with her and she ran around with them a while. She sneezed some and her eyes are a bit crusty.
Then I took some final photos of her with the kids. She gave them lots of cuddles. Then I ws talking to Xena as she sat in front of me and she raised her paw. As I have never taught her to shake hands I thought maybe there was a problem and checked it. The girls clicked a photo. She began kissing my face. And I let her. Kiss, kiss, kiss. I swear this dog is killing me.
My kids were disgusted in an 'ewe mum don't you know she licks her bum ewweee' way but you know I honestly didn't care. I really felt like she was saying goodbye.
6pm Mr Jeckle Returns.
I took Xena's food out and she growled and lunged at me. I had to push her away with my foot. Not hard, she paused and looked at me in a confused way like she hadn't done anything. I left her to eat and went back later as she was fine again.
I'm sitting in here crying. I know its time. I know tonight will be her last night home. And for some silly reason the song Ruby Tuesday comes to mind.
So here it is.... Good bye Xena.
She would never say where she came from
Yesterday don't matter if it's gone
While the sun is bright or in the darkest night
Nobody knows she goes and goes
Goodbye ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still i'm gonna miss you
Don't question why she needs to be so free
She'll tell you it's the only way to be
She just can't be chained
To a life where nothing's gained
And nothing's lost at such a cost
Goodbye ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still i'm gonna miss you
There's no time to lose i heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind ain't life unkind?
Goodbye ruby tuesday
Goodbye ruby tuesday
Still i'm gonna miss you
Goodbye ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still i'm gonna miss you miss you
Next Day
Yes I know... the days are passing by.
Anyone who didn't know Xena wouldn't have thought she was sick this morning. Not the way she was pinging around the back yard like superdog. Ripping the clothes from the line, ignoring my requests for her to 'leave it' and tearing around like a lunatic dog.
But that's the thing... that isn't the Xena we know. Normally Xena is an excitable dog who races up to us and scoots in on her bum for petting. She will jump around all happy but about 2 meters away from us as she she's her food. Then she will sit and wait for me to give her the command to eat. She doesn't move until I say 'eat.'
Today she was not racing up to us, she was simply racing all over the place. even my 12 year old came in totally exasperated saying she was totally out of control this morning, but 'is she better or not cuz one minute she's sick and weak and the next she's crazy?!'
All I can say is... she isn't the Xena we know and I still believe she is not well. But when I see her all energized I think to myself God, how can I put her down? Except that I am also wondering if she was left with some brain damage from that bee sting because you may as well just through all her puppy classes and obedience work out the window. She is acting like a completely untrained, well... kinda wild dog!
The girls have gone out for the day and I looked out the window at Xena and watched her a while. She was laying down but looked very 'on guard' and twitched her head to any sound. She is acting so strange. I'm a little scared of her right now.
And I am so confused. I think I have gone through so many enotions in the last 4 days.
Sadness, extreme sadness
Barganing with myself
Wishful thinking
Denial
Fear
Anger- at myself for allowing myself into taking the 'runt' for buying an unregistered dog, for buying a dog from the paper
Disapointment
Feeling sorry for myself- why my dog, why after all this training and care and love
More anger- Its not fair, some people have dogs they abuse and dont love that have long miserable lives- why my dog, she's so young
Betrayal- Why are vets so expensive, why do they do things the way they do them
Guilt- at not taking her to be put down earlier, guilt cuz maybe its still to early
None of these rational or logical but unavoidable feelings.
And most of all - all those feelings totally mixed up.
And what's worse is
I know its NOT about me at all. It's about the dog and that makes me feel even more guilty!
Then I wonder things that only prove I am as going as crazy as the dog...Why do I have a staue of St. Francis in my house - if it isn't working (mind you the cats ok so I wont be getting rid of it)
Maybe someone put 'the evil eye' on us (totally superstcious)
Where is God in all of this?
Where is God in all of this?
I have to keep my faith to pull through this.
Now Im crying again.
I am going to take her now. If I can catch her to get a lead on her. I hope she doesn't bite me. She's all over the place she may just give me kisses.
Time to go.
And you know what.... I've had long term partners I've loved less than this dog. She has taught me to love and to cry. Wow how dogs can touch you.
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